Six Big Fat Lies About Forgiveness

A Miracle Story

Communion Without Bread and Wine

Six Big Fat Lies About Forgiveness

Karen Bentley

There's a difference between the more familiar social version of forgiveness and the less familiar spiritual version of forgiveness. This is because the purpose of the social version of forgiveness is to assign blame and to make self or another guilty for a mistake, whereas the spiritual version of forgiveness is to undo the guilt you feel for yourself or the blame you want to put on another. One version of forgiveness undoes hate and the other extends it. One leaves you feeling good and the other leaves you feeling bad. As you can see, these two versions of forgiveness are not the same.

Here are six of the biggest, fattest lies about the social practice of forgiveness.

Lie #1: Saying the words "I forgive you" or "I apologize" is an act of forgiveness.

This is the biggest lie of all. While saying "I forgive you" or "I apologize" is a popular social convention for dealing with mistakes, it does not necessarily end the hate you have in your own mind or the hate that someone else holds against you. In fact, saying these words has the opposite effect of making the mistake more real and more serious rather than minimizing it. Remember when Tanya Harding publicly apologized to Nancy Kerrigan for having Nancy's knee whacked just before the winter Olympics in 1994? Even though Tanya said the right words and appeared to be sincere, the words did nothing to change Nancy's mind about Tanya's badness or wrongness. It most likely had the opposite effect of keeping Nancy's grudge alive rather than undoing it.

This is not to suggest that you should never say "I'm sorry" or "excuse me for making a mistake." Rather, it's to ask you to become more conscious of why you are saying these words and what you are really doing. When you give an apology or demand one from someone else, you are not choosing to see goodness in self or another. Instead you are choosing to see the worst. And you get what you see. Always. Is the worst what you really want, dear reader? The spiritual practice of forgiveness develops your spiritual vision, which is the ability to see self or other at the highest possible level.

Lie #2: Forgiveness takes a long time and may involve many steps.
This is another popular social concept which is untrue. Many social and psychologically-oriented forgiveness practices involve several steps, stages, or degrees of forgiveness. First you think some more about the way you've been mistreated. Maybe you write down all the injustices. Then you get ready to forgive. Then you do this. Then you do that. Then maybe you write a letter or talk to a counselor about how badly you've been injured. Then you do something else. Yes, you can engage in this kind of angst and turmoil for as long as you want. And there's an advantage to it because your ego-based need for attention from others is fulfilled. But try to remember that this need does not make you happy, so ultimately there is no benefit. Wallowing in misery and delaying your joy is completely unnecessary.

Spiritual forgiveness is not hard, time-consuming, complicated, or mysterious. It begins with the awareness of hate in your mind and ends with the tiny willingness to give it up. You practice forgiveness the very moment you change your mind about yourself or another being wrong or bad. So here is the question to ask yourself. How long does it take to change your mind? Not even a second.

Lie #3. Forgiveness only needs to be done once.
In the social version of forgiveness, you say the words "I'm sorry" or "forgive me" once, and typically the deed is done. However, this doesn't really work because the human mind is disorganized and untrained. Thoughts of badness or wrongness keep coming back again and again. Because the mind is so unruly, it's critical to approach forgiveness as a form of spiritual fitness, something you do for yourself on an ongoing basis, rather than a one-time event. Developing spiritual fitness is the same as developing physical fitness. You cannot expect to grow a big, beautiful bicep muscle by doing one repetition of a bicep curl. Likewise, you cannot expect to develop a mind that's free of hate by one small act of forgiveness.

Here's how it works: A loveless thought about self or another enters the mind, and you notice it. Now you have a choice. It's always the same choice. You can keep the thought and indulge it, or you can change your mind and thereby undo (or transcend) the loveless thought. The loveless thought gets undone over and over, every time it presents itself, maybe several times a day. You just keep at it, like a diet. Eventually the thought is dismantled because there is no fresh investment of energy to keep it going.

Lie #4. Forgiveness is painful
It's true that the social version of forgiveness can be very painful because it always involves assigning ownership for a mistake or admitting ownership for a mistake. Ugh! Of course that hurts! No wonder forgiveness has such a bad name! However, the spiritual version of forgiveness is not painful at all because it is the complete overlooking of blame. Therefore, real forgiveness results in joy, not pain.

Lie #5. Forgiveness means that you accept or condone certain acts and behaviors as okay.
Forgiveness is not the overlooking of a problem. It's the overlooking of the blame and the judgment of badness or wrongness that typically accompanies the problem. If, for example, your house is on fire, you can't overlook it and pretend that nothing's happening. You have to solve the problem at hand, put the fire out, tend to processing insurance claims and salvaging your belongings. Your mission is simply to solve your problems and make life more functional without the dose of attack, guilt, or blame that usually goes along with it.

In our world, love (or special attention) is given or withheld based on the performance or non performance of certain desirable behaviors. But if you give or withdraw your love based on what people do or don't do for you, then your love is completely and totally conditional. What you're offering is actually a bargain – not love. Real love is unconditional and unshakeable. While it is more pleasing to have people in the world behave the way you want them to behave and value what you want them to value, love is not dependent on the behavior or value system of others. Love is dependent on your decision to be a loving being and that is all.

Lie #6. Forgiveness corrects errors
The social practice of forgiveness often includes the provision that someone else must correct an offensive or inappropriate behavior. As you can by now see, this is yet another condition on love. Therefore, it cannot be love and must be hate. Since forgiveness is the undoing of hate, correction of another cannot be a form of forgiveness. Correction of another is God's job, not ours. Our job is to accept our brothers and sisters "as they are." The hardest thing we are asked to do on the spiritual path is to witness a behavioral mistake in another without judgment or correction. Can you do it? Of course you can. A more important question is will you do it? Will you refuse to be shaken by the insanity of another? That is the test of peace you must pass.

We want the people in our world to conform to our morally correct and uplifted standards, so it is always a challenge to remember that this is our fantasy about how the world "should be." This fantasy is the subtle way in which we all "dream" or "sleep." Because of this, spiritual forgiveness is a gentle way of awakening. Many of us give good lip service to wanting to awaken from our dreams and to become enlightened, but the bottom line is always the same. What we really want is for our brothers and sisters to awaken so that we don't have to do the work of being a loving being in the face of constant lovelessness.

A Miracle Story

Karen Bentley

A few years ago I was a volunteer at a nursing home in Sudbury, a Boston suburb where I used to live. At the time my personal life was going through a choppy period, and "being there" for older people who had no one, or at least no one close by, made me happy. Typically I would visit the same five or six people twice a week. One of my friends was Delia, a frail and tiny woman who suffered greatly because of an estranged and bitter relationship with her only child, a daughter. One day when I went into Delia’s room to see her, she wasn’t there. She had gotten critically sick with pneumonia the night before and had been sent to a local hospital for extra care and supervision. Later that same day I went to the hospital to see her.

Delia was in a dire state when I arrived. Mostly she was unconscious, but every now and then she would semi wake to rail about the hatefulness and treachery of her daughter. Then she would drift off again. The nurses told me that Delia’s breathing had been blocked by her own phlegm. “Things don’t look good for her,” they said. I was told that no resuscitation efforts would be made on her behalf. Since Delia had told me many times that she wanted to die, I thought her request was finally being granted, and that this might be her last earthly appearance.

I considered what I could do for Delia that would be in any way useful to her. My inner guidance was to give her love, which made a lot of practical sense to me. If I could put love in her mind, maybe it would make her death easier and less fearful. So I started calmly whispering to Delia how much I loved her, how much her daughter really loved her, and how God sent me to tell her that He loved her. I repeatedly told her that I only saw her goodness and that God saw only her goodness. Throughout all this, Delia made no response and appeared to not understand or even hear what I was saying. After about 30 minutes I kissed her goodbye and went home.

When I came back the next day I was expecting to do more of the same or to be told that Delia had passed away. You can imagine my surprise when I learned she had fully recovered and would be discharged shortly. Was it coincidence or miracle? Since there is no such thing as coincidence, by default it must therefore be a miracle. I believe in the power of love, and I believe that we all have the power to heal ourselves and each other.

Can you help yourself or another to undo fear? Can you, for one holy instant, filter out your ego and extend the love in your heart to another? If you can perform these two seemingly simple skills, you are a miracle worker because you have made it possible for the Holy Spirit to do His work through you. It is nothing special or extraordinary. It is just the abundant love in your heart manifesting itself. Love is, after all, the only thing that really matters!

Communion Without Bread and Wine

Karen Bentley

Communion with God is traditionally thought of as a religious act where we eat food and/or drink wine to remember Jesus and connect with God. Many people are greatly inspired by this religious ceremony. This is because communion is an act that joins man and God, and the natural byproduct of this reunion is happiness. The happiness effect makes communion highly relevant and important. Merriam-Webster's Collegiate dictionary defines "communion" as an instant of sharing.

There are other words with the "com" root that are also related. "Communication" is the sharing of words, behaviors or signs. "Community" is the sharing of geography, behaviors, family, work or beliefs. Even the word "common" is the sharing of similar characteristics with others. Sharing enables us to join with each other and with God.

People who communicate are generally happier than people who don't. People who live in community with others are generally happier than people who live alone. People who perceive themselves as joined together by common characteristics are often happier than people who perceive themselves as different and isolated by their differences. Solitary confinement is considered a severe form of punishment. In fact, the secret of happiness lies in communion or joining, and the cause of all misery and pain is separation from God and others.

While the religious practice of communion is very beautiful and uplifting, the ability to join with God is not exclusive to this ceremony. Even more, communion is not limited to any food or drink or by any condition of the body, temple, church or sacred site. Joining with God in holy communion is dependent on one's peaceful state of mind. Since a peaceful state of mind can be had at any time you want it, holy communion can also be had at any time you want it. When you choose to share, unite and communicate with God in every moment, you are enlightened. You are in heaven. Most of us have not yet reached the point in our journey of awareness where we are willing to pay full attention to God.

Communion with God is similar to communion with human beings because it involves giving and receiving, or the transmission and exchange of thoughts. As you know from your own daily life, if you don't want to engage in conversation with another, nothing happens because there is no dialogue, no exchange. And if someone wants to talk with you, but you don't choose to listen, then nothing happens either. So, to be in communion with God, we have to be willing and open to both giving and receiving. This requires the ability to talk to God and the ability to listen to Him. Talking to God is typically referred to as praying. Most of us are more skilled at talking to God than we are at listening to Him. Yet listening and being open to receive answers is a very big and important part of the communion process.

I have an elderly and dearly beloved aunt who does not understand that conversation involves both talking and listening. All she does is talk, talk, talk. Having a conversation with her is like putting a nickel in a gabbing machine and letting it go. My sole job is to say "uh-huh" every few minutes and to let her ramble on. Real communication is blocked because the conversation is one-sided. Likewise, many of us talk or pray to God in the same way that my dear aunt talks to me. We talk, talk, talk and do not listen. Therefore, real communication is blocked because we are not open to receiving. We are only concerned about giving. We want to make absolutely sure that God knows everything we want, everything we need, every unhappiness we suffer.

The only way to hear the Voice of god is to still the mind, which dis-engages the ego, and then to listen. The simple act of listening enables you to derive the answer to your problems and direction about how to proceed in life in a way that leaves you feeling good about yourself and others.

This is because the guidance you receive from within is always and only harmless. It's the only sure way to make a decision that does not attack. Without this inner guidance, you risk being fooled. The ego will trick you into believing that attack in the name of goodness is warranted or that it's the least objectionable choice. For example, who isn't influenced by a good reason to justify anger? Who isn't influenced by a good reason to get even in the great scorecard of life? This viewpoint of attack being sometimes justified is reinforced by cultural conditioning, TV, movies, books and games. Everything supports the ego's position. This is why it takes such great awareness and desire to override these persistent messages and to go within to listen.

About 10 years ago, I did seminars focused solely on the spiritual practice of forgiveness. It was common for me to get curiosity calls from potential attendees who wanted to learn more about the seminar and whether or not it would be appropriate or helpful for them. One of these information-seeking callers still stands out in my mind. This man, who chose not to identify himself, sounded like he was about the age of a baby-boomer. He contacted me because he was highly suspicious about whether the seminar could actually undo the decades-old anger he felt for a clergyman at his local church.

The original incident occurred more than 30 years ago, when the Vietnam war was still raging. The caller had just gotten his draft notice, and he felt very conflicted about the possibility of killing another human being. So he met with his clergyman to ask what he should do. The clergyman advised the caller that going to war was okay. He believed that God understood and supported the concept of fulfilling your civic duty in time of war.

Consequently, the caller went away with the idea that killing during war didn't really count. Unfortunately, this man's worst nightmare came true. He went to war, and he had the experience of killing people, which is how he discovered that killing others counted. In fact, he realized that it counted very much. The man claimed that he still felt guilty about the people who lost their lives because of him. And even more, he was deeply disturbed that the religious person he went to for advice led him down such a painful path. The caller was very angry at his clergyman, had no inclination to forgive, and ultimately declined the invitation to attend the seminar.

Through hindsight we can see what happened. The caller received an unconscious intuitive message from his Christ-self or soul regarding the potential for feeling bad about killing someone. Perhaps he was expecting his clergyman, who represents God, to validate or reinforce this intuitive message. Maybe he was waiting for him to say, "Don't go! Don't do it! Killing is never justified, and it always makes you feel guilty."

Instead, the clergyman said something else. He said, "Go. Do your duty." Perhaps this was what the clergyman really felt in his heart. Maybe it was what he thought he should say. In any case, the caller did what we all tend to do. He ignored the quiet voice from within and placed a higher value on his clergyman's opinion. And now the caller is unhappy with his decision and feels justified in blaming the clergyman and holding a lifelong grudge.

And so I ask you, dear reader, was the clergyman mean, wrong or bad? Was he trying to turn this man's life into hell on earth? No. He was just an ordinary guy, doing his personal best with a tremendously difficult question and challenging situation. The bottom line is that whenever you're too busy to listen to God and prefer to look outside yourself for the answer to your questions and problems, you risk being misdirected. Even more importantly, you risk saying or doing something that isn't authentic or true for you.

The people you go to for advice may be caring and well-intended. They may be smart. They may be successful. They may know more about a particular subject than you. They may even love you dearly. But there's a catch: the guidance you receive from anyone who is not in an egoless, Christ-self enlightened state of mind cannot be relied upon. Sometimes the advice will be great. Other times it may have no substance or real value. If you can't tell the difference, the advice will throw you completely off track.

The awareness of non-romantic love is still rare on planet Earth. Even the most highly educated people do not fully understand what it means to be a loving people. The most moral, upright religious people do not understand either. But you understand because you are a pilgrim on the path of Love. This is why it's so important to go within and do the beautiful work of listening to figure out your next step.